A Christmas (Pet) Peeve

A few of my more socially-aware canine buddies and I are getting together to protest this anti-dog diatribe masquerading as a doggy Christmas gift list. The piece makes several outrageous claims, including the following:

Dogs and cats may not be able to manipulate a pen, but they know how to get their wishes across – as any pet owner can appreciate! Of course, the foremost wish of dogs and cats is the gift of a good home and a loving family.

WTF? So maybe I'm not so great with writing instruments, but have they ever seen me on a keyboard? I'm a goddamn demon, a regular Mavis Beacon. That whitish blur you see above QWERTY is my own two paws, my friends, and my finicky housemates and I are engaged in a never-ending feud about their having to constantly clean fur from between the keys (between you and me, I find it dampens that annoying clacking sound keyboards make, but I guess one must bear in mind that the human ear is not exactly a state-of-the-art auditory device).

And that part about "the foremost wish of dogs and cats"--could they have been a bit more mawkish? I'd like to know how many cats and dogs were polled in order for them to come to that ridiculous conclusion. My foremost wish is for an unlimited supply of raw meat and the eradication of the dreaded Parvo virus.

To its credit, the article does suggest several tasty gift ideas, including a faux sheepskin pet bed that I'd give my canines for, and a toy called a Kong. But the only of my friends hoping to find "a sporty new leash" in his Christmas stocking this year is Stan, a Dalmatian submissive from down the street who's planning on wearing said leash to his BDSM club's annual Christmas retreat.